Crispy
by Jackie K Paper
Summary: This is my entry for The Pineapple Awards – The Best of the Worst Lemons.  The goal is to write a bad/ridiculous/unsexy lemon. This is my ridiculousness.  It may have a high gross-out factor . . . or not . . . I guess it depends on your taste in fics.


**Crispy **

**AN: This is my entry for The Pineapple Awards – The Best of the Worst Lemons. The goal is to write a bad/ridiculous/unsexy lemon. This is my ridiculousness. It may have a high gross-out factor . . . or not . . . I guess it depends on your **_**taste**_** in fics. **

**Disclaimer: As always, all things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

TPOV

"Fucking do it already! Why are you wussing-out on me now? It's not like we haven't done anything like this before. Will you fucking put it in me already! I want to feel you put it in me, hard and crispy, baby. Hard and crispy!"

Crispy? Was that supposed to turn me on? Does someone somewhere think this shit qualifies as dirty talk? Maybe I should seriously rethink going out with Lauren. She's got to be fucking thoroughly disturbed if she thinks this does anything for me.

Of course, pathetically, she's right, it wasn't like we hadn't done anything like this before. But this? No, not fucking this.

Maybe we were moving too fast. Maybe we needed to slow down and work up to this. Does that mean that I'm a pussy? No, fuck that, I'm all man!

But fuck, this is too much, there has to be a line even for her. Doesn't there? I mean, she actually wanted me to do this? To thrust in, out, in and out, over and over, and fucking over again? She wanted this? Aren't you supposed to work up to this little by little? Like take it by steps or something? My finger, then maybe two fingers or three, my tongue, my cock, maybe a little fisting. But skipping to this! When we've only made it like part way through that list? What the fuck?

Seriously, I'm going _where no man has gone before_, and no man should ever fucking go, ever! At least not like this! Again I ask; what the fuck?

~~OoO~~

LPOV

"Please baby, please. I need it. I want it. I have to have it. Give it to me. Now, baby. Please, baby, please. I'm ready. I'm so ready."

Maybe if I sound all needy he'll fucking do it already. Why does Tyler have to be the biggest fucking pussy-ass boyfriend? He knew we were working up to this. Fuck, I've purposely made the effort to go slow. I wanted this the first fucking time! Haven't we done enough of the little stuff already?

I started him with baby carrot fingers. We worked our way up through celery sticks. Ah, the celery stick; fuck that snap sound it made when it broke… now that was a melody.

Last week when he pumped me with the cucumber while he lightly dusted my clit with the parsley, that was just, wow, I don't think I've ever cum so hard. There were like stars in my eyes, and fireworks and just, wow. I pressed that parsley between two pieces of glass, framed it and put it on the wall above my bed.

And afterwards, when Tyler took a bite out of the cucumber that was dripping with my woman juice, goose bumps. Fucking goose bumps.

Now he fucking wimps-out on me. It's not like we're using a cauliflower. A large, hard, round, fresh cauliflower. Now that would take some pushing, some force, some muscle. Just thinking about the potential of the colossal cauliflower is making me ooze with desire.

No, right now, we're working with a big purple eggplant, an aubergine, a thing of beauty. Not as big and hard as a cauliflower, but thick and long. I bet it would make that crispy snap sound if it broke.

"Please baby, please. You can use a little of the heating strawberry lube if you want. Please, please. I want it. You know you want to do it to me."

~~OoO~~

TPOV

She's fucking begging. I love it when she begs. Why can't she fucking beg for my cock instead? I can do this. I can do this for her. Maybe if I do this she'll let me do what I want. I'm not fucking asking, I'm just going to do it.

"Here it comes baby. You feel that? You feel me pushing it inside of you?" How could she not, it's fucking huge.

"Yeah like that. Like that."

"I'm going to go slow, baby, real slow. I'm going to move you a little so I can feel you writhe on my lap. Okay baby?" And another slow pump with the fucking vegetable. "Okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. Please, please."

Now that's where I want her. Now just a little more strawberry shit on my cock and I'll fucking slide it in the back door. She wants hers? Well, I'm getting mine.

"Ouch, fuck. What the hell are you doing, Tyler? I didn't say you could fucking do that."

"Come on, baby. I'll go slow. Feel the eggplant pumping you slowly? And when I've almost pulled it out, I'm just going to slide my cock into you, just like that. See how filled you are? There's always something in you. You feel my stiff shaft? You feel it? Now I'm going to pull my cock out nice and slow and slide that eggplant right back into you. You like that baby? You like that?"

"Oh my fuck, Oh my fuck. Yes. Yes. I do. I fucking do."

Damn it's hard to get my cock in there with that fucking vegetable in the way. If it was a bit smaller I could maybe move it a little faster or shove it further into her to get it out of my fucking way. Wait, that's it. I'll push that shit further into her. I'll do it hard. See how much she really fucking likes it. Maybe I'll get her to forget about this stupid shit and just let me fuck her like normal people fuck.

"Tyler, that doesn't feel good. I don't like that so much. Tyler!"

Oh fuck. Oh fuck. She's going to kill me.

"Tyler, what are you doing? Tyler I don't like that."

"Oh shit. Oh shit. OH FUCKING SHIT!"

"What? What's going on Tyler? What the fuck are you doing to me?"

"It's stuck."

"What's fucking stuck? Your cock? Bullshit, pull that fucker out of my ass!"

"The eggplant. I can't. I can't. What the fuck am I going to do? How do you want me to pull it out, Lauren? I can't do it. I can't. Oh my fuck, this is gross. This is so wrong."

"Stop being a fucking wuss! Just grab the fork. What the hell else would you do? Grab the fucking fork."

"What fork? Are you fucking telling me that this has happened before? That you fucking know how to get a stuck vegetable out of your pussy? Seriously?"

"Just grab the fucking fork, you ass. It's in the drawer in my nightstand."

The drawer. The drawer, that was my undoing. The drawer that had not only a fork, but rotting vegetables. Gross, putrid, stinking, fucking rotting vegetables.

That was it. I retched. There was no turning back. I fucking threw up. Though I guess it could have been worse, at least it was the salad that I had for lunch that I tossed all over her.

**AN: I'm sure I've like leapfrogged over that "line you shall not cross." My beta, Unimaginative Olena, didn't really approve of this one shot "Okay, that was gross. Like really really really gross." Twific Crackmum on the other hand said "DEW IT!"**


End file.
